zen* (Photo credit: Rocío Lara)
If we believe in what goes around comes around, karma, you get what you deserve; all those things your mom, spiritual advisor, yoga master your Zen friend have been telling us……then how do we also believe in second chances, reinventing, turning things around, change is good?
What are or should be the criteria involved from which we will accept or not accept that change.
I’m not talking about Grade A, you committed murder, are a sex offender sort of stuff here so let’s establish that fact right from the start. I’m not even talking about people who have an addiction.
I’m talking about me and maybe you. I’m talking about the kind of people who were broke or lost their job for example and maybe even some of it was their fault. The person, who was successful, traveled, was savvy and now makes not even a quarter of what they did.
I’m talking about people who could have taken better actions in the throes of a personal crisis but didn’t and inadvertently hurt someone (feelings not physical!)
I’m talking about someone who suffered from, not even depression because that is also a medical condition, but maybe it was fear that dictated their actions during a certain circumstance in their life. Maybe there was collateral damage and they just didn’t see it coming, or did see it coming but could do nothing at the time to stop it, they had no resources to avail.
I’m talking about someone who in the process of surviving, of living, they may have hurt someone else emotionally by dropping out, not sharing the details of their plight, that they caused there to be a loss of trust on some or maybe even a deep level.
Maybe to get themselves together they let some friendships slip by the wayside. Maybe they just did not have enough energy to expend in maintaining relationships while figuring things out and living each day being a parent, working, cooking diner, job hunting, worrying about bills, how to help their child do better in school, mourn a lost loved one……….surviving.
If the end is for your personal survival of some sort does it justify the means in these cases?
We are not a tolerant society in many respects; I never realized how judgmental sometimes we all are in our personal lives. We all feel we have a right to judge or comment on someone else’s life, that mom from school, that couple you see socially sometimes, a sibling, your friends’ kid, your spouse’s friend. We judge based on what our perceived self standards are. We say to ourselves, “I wouldn’t do that” or “I would do this” or “what were they thinking”
We may disassociate ourselves for this reason, thinking “they are not who I thought they were” we suddenly hold them in less esteem.
Did we ever think that the person we are subjecting this to have not lost a sense of their selves or are unaware of what they’re doing; that they may have been fully aware that due to their circumstances they are making short-sighted decisions that they may have otherwise not made.
How much explanation does someone owe a friend or relative to justify what they did or are doing or feel they need to do to stop the slide, survive, or get a handle on their life? Do you know in facing challenges its exhausting how much energy you expend to keep yourself together, even being in denial is exhausting. Fear is exhausting.
If you have not been in that position does that make you better, more together, smarter? Or are your cracks somewhere else, somewhere that you hide with arrogance and self-righteousness.
Maybe somebody who is challenged is just done with being judged by others because they are so busy judging themselves and beating themselves up that they really don’t need another’s help with that. But do they also need to expend the energy to make sure we know that? Really?
And let’s explore if the troubled person, at the core of their being knows that they have a good heart. One who has demonstrated goodness and support and selflessness for others before the hard times started.
What if the troubled person believes it is easier to give than to receive, and maybe that philosophy contributed to them not wanting to constantly share the bad times. But is hiding your vulnerabilities unfair to those who maybe now judge you?
Is being nice and being generous the same as arrogant because it’s how you hide when you feel vulnerable or avoid being honest about your pain and circumstances in some way?
My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am. (Photo credit: monkeyc.net)
But still if you are a person who has demonstrated that you put others first and use to have it all together or there has been history to the relationship; shouldn’t that weigh in on another’s new opinion of you because now you struggled and failed?
I think there are two scenarios, one, the people who jump ship quickly; you have to wonder if you were misled to begin with.
Second, I think sometimes that it’s still another’s or society’s’ perceived correct behavior that influences. For example the husband that continuously harps on why is the wife still a certain person’s friend, maybe she still believes in her downtrodden friend but listening to these opinions constantly influences her to judge and get tired of defending.
There is No right way to judge others or yourselves. Society these days is complicated; guess what, our personal societal circles are just as complicated. Hell, people in general are complicated, families and friendships are complicated.
At the base of it all we are expected to uphold certain societal rules which most of us do; but realize that sometimes when your back is against the wall or you have personally painted yourself into a corner and even though you know you did it now that your there getting out of it is so overwhelming and the thought of trying to explain exactly how you let it happen to those that you wish you could ask for help from or who just think you should offer an explanation in general is like slicing your wrists!
That subjecting yourself to “that” look in someone’s eyes, their disappointment, and their sighs (which you know means I think you’re a stupid jerk) is more than you can take? What they can’t appreciate truly is that the brave front you put on is you holding onto the little piece of pride you have left, not denial or stupidity.
Here’s the worse part, when you do or are forced to publicly in your circle accept defeat (I’m not talking about the governor who slept with the prostitute at a press conference), bear your wounds and failings for all to judge, when do you start to deserve the benefit of the doubt? Only after this? Is it a prerequisite to that second chance that you have to say “I know I may not deserve it, or I could deserve it more” when good things start to happen?
Do you have a right to believe that bad things but more important that bad decisions happen to good people and that everyone should feel the same? Even if you may have been stupid?
I hope you don’t think I have the answers cause I don’t; this is me working out some kinks in my re-invention. Laying some ground work of things to come to terms with, some understanding.
I can’t be the only one out there like me.
Maybe it is a chip on my shoulder that makes me think about these things, maybe I am still judging myself too harshly, maybe I’m trying to expel so I can move on with my re-invention maybe this is part of the process.
Maybe I think there is too much gray area in our lives and that navigating that is where the difficulty is. Maybe I am haunted about how to get back some of those relationships; but I still have shit to work out before I do.
Maybe I need to re-invent myself first, get back my pride, so that I can strongly stand up for myself and tell some people maybe you shouldn’t judge so much because I’m flawed, because you are too but you do a better job of acting like you’re not. Or maybe those people have a stronger disposition of “this is who I am like it or not, but that doesn’t mean I can’t still judge your flaws get over it”.
Maybe I gave them the power and now I have to take it back. Maybe these people won’t care, and all is lost.
To that I say don’t forget what goes around can come around, karma is a bitch, and we all end up with what we deserve, so don’t judge till you walk the proverbial mile in the other persons shoes, but if that were to happen Wayward Winifred says you deserve the benefit of the doubt and so does she.
Wayward Winifred 